I have been seriously stressing myself out about clothes lately.
Stressing myself out because I’ve constrained myself into a corner.
In terms of clothing, my major goal this year was doing 4 capsule wardrobes, one for each season. I’m over a month into my third capsule wardrobe. And here’s the truth: I’ve stuck to about 36 items, but I’ve also had to do a lot of switching and trading and bartering.
You see, bringing an end to my dieting mindset has become the number one goal of my life these last few months. And that means a big scary thing: I’m gaining weight.
When I started my capsule wardrobe back in January I was actually already concerned about this. I haven’t held a stable weight for around 8 years. That makes it really hard to swear off shopping and to commit to a handful of clothes for three months at a time. And at that point I didn’t even plan on just completely letting go of dieting and letting my body do it’s thang for a while.
Now, I realized this was a self-imposed thing and I could unimpose it just as easily as I imposed it. But for a while here I’ve been feeling a lot of shame around making this decision so it was scary to publicly (kind of?) announce it to my readers.
I hate setting myself goals and not reaching them.
I worry that you guys will read this and just write me off as someone who has no dedication and will-power.
But my reasons for writing this blog, other than just a place to write and share my weird ideas with the world, is to be authentic and sincere. I hope that by writing about my life I can help at least one reader feel less alone in their struggles.
So yeah. I have decided to put the capsule wardrobe idea aside for the foreseeable future. I have no intention of going on a huge shopping spree every week now, or suddenly buying clothes all the time. But I am going to go shopping in the near future to buy clothes that fit me, and maybe will grow with me (hey elastic waist-bands), as my body figures itself out.
A lot of my capsule rules will still apply: I’m not going to buy clothes that aren’t exactly what I’m looking for. I’m going to avoid buying things I already have. I’m going to try to continue applying a lot of the same principles, but I’m also going to stop hiding the fact that I need new clothes.
I’m sad to say this means I also have to loosen the ties of another goal: to always shop ethically. With a changing body I honestly don’t know what fits me any more. Ethical shopping while incredibly rewarding, has not found a strong foothold off the internet. I cannot guess what’s going to fit me online any more. I have to go back to shopping in stores, to find clothes that not only fit me, but look as awesome on me as I know they can.
I hope to pick up both of these goals once my body has found the stable weight and size it’s happiest at. Until then, some things just have to be put on hold.
Last night my lovely partner told me he loved me for my boobs and my style. I laughed and told him that couldn’t be true because both of those have changed so much in the almost year we’ve known each other. He said “…your style has always been cool.” I’ll try my best to remember that when I next go shopping.