Some Days

Some days are hard and some days are easy.

Some work days are hard, and some work days are a breeze.

Some days relationships are the shining moment, and some days they are the thing you dread most.

Some days everything makes sense, and some days you wonder how dumb you had to be to make every single decision that got you to where you are.

And the truth is, this is life.

No matter what people’s Instagram or Facebooks say, life has it’s ups and downs. Jobs have their ups and downs. Relationships have their ups and downs. And people have their ups and downs.

My partner and I split up almost four months ago now. It wasn’t a shock to us. We had been struggling and trying to figure it out for a while. It felt pretty inevitable. And yet each time we talked about it, we agreed to not give up just yet. Until one day we didn’t agree to not give up.

Until one day, the same conversation happened, and it had happened enough times that it didn’t make sense to just let it go this time.

And to be honest with you, that decision while scary and terrible, felt really really right to both of us.

But break ups are hard. There are good days and bad days. That day was honestly great, but it was still filled with many many tears.

Since then there have been some days when I legitimately thought to myself “I’m exactly where I need to be right now and things couldn’t be better,” but there have also been days when I was sure I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Most of the days fell somewhere in the middle of that scale.

Today is one of those break up days when I can’t stop thinking about only the good things and wondering what the hell I was thinking letting him go. When I get into these mindsets (whether it be about this break up, about my friends, about my family, about my job), I realize I’m following some strange deepset beliefs. Beliefs like “I’ll never find love again.” Or “I’ll never find a man that good again.” And then I have to remember that beliefs aren’t facts (sorry everyone). So I sit down and I make a list of facts. Today’s list included:

(5) This relationship, like most things, had some wonderful aspects and some not so great ones. There are wonderful memories, but I also lost myself and felt very along at times. It was no longer fun, but more often heavy and serious.

I’m not sharing this with you to hear your opinion about my relationship, so please don’t comment on it. I’m sharing this with you because it feels right to do so right now.

The truth is I know all relationships will go through what I just wrote. I know that. But I also know that I felt like our relationship surely had to end for any forward movement to take place. I knew that so strongly that eventually I just faced it instead of ignoring it, fearing the hurt and loneliness that might result. I faced it. And I made a decision. And some days since I feel great about it, and some days like today I don’t.

One of the biggest things I’ve had to overcome is that having bad days does not make me a crazy, desparate ex. It makes me a normal human being that has bad days.

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