Focus

I sit here with a lump in my throat. My eyes have that constant dewiness of almost tears. Of past tears. Of recent tears. Of soon-t0-be tears. Today feels like too much. I have to move. I have to finish a presentation. But right now I’m waiting. Waiting for the move. Waiting for the presentation.

I worry. Worry that the movers won’t appreciate that I packed things in various bins and bags instead of standard brown boxes. Worry that this presentation will go all wrong.

This always makes me miss him. This worry. Though there were many things we struggled with, one of the things we were greatest at was situations like this. I would call or text him stressed out for whatever reason, and he would say just the right things.

And so, this turns my stress to sadness. I remember that this time we were supposed to move in together. That had been our plan so many times ago. We were supposed to start coming home to each other every day. And that image fills me with warmth. Puts a smile on my face. And then the light in my eyes dims out. The cloud of reality hits. And I remember this image is no more. There is no our place. There is no our bedroom. There is no our wall with the clock we bought together in Pittsburgh a year ago. There are only his place and my place. His with his roommates and mine with my new one. The clock hangs over his bed and I sometimes wonder how it doesn’t make his room heavy with sadness for the things that might have been.

I try to remind myself that that image is an ideal that never was. That the idea of coming home to each other felt complicated and confusing to us. And I wonder why that was our reality then.

I want to ask him. To send him a text.

But then I remember, this is about me and my move and not about a future with him that never was.

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Beautiful Words, Pt. 2

I read two books this past week. Don’t worry. They were both short. Don’t freak out!

Book 2: Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine

Book 3: Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls by Jes Baker

These books, though valuable and informative, did not have the same intense impact as Here I Am. And so, I do not feel a need to share all my favorite quotes with you. Their quotes, though lovely, do not live up to the words of Book 1. Nor should they. They serve a different purpose.

Instead, this week, I choose to leave you with one important, mostly encompassing point from each. These are still powerful words, with plenty of impact!

Book 2: “A relationship will move in the direction of increased closeness if the participants make each other known and make themselves open to knowing each other.”

Book 3: “There’s nothing that we need to do today to be valid. We were enough today, we will be enough tomorrow, and we will be enough always.” – technically by Sam Dylan Finch but in the books all the same.

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This week I went back to old music I haven’t listened to in a while, specifically two Israeli rock bands that I absolutely loved through my teenage years. Since you know I love words, you can probably guess that my love of a song depends heavily on its lyrics. As I listened to the following songs, I absolutely needed to hear these words:

Beit Habubot (בית הבובות) – Doll House
Shir Be’Iparon (שיר בעיפרון) – A Song Written in Pencil

In life, everything passes
From mistakes, you’ll learn and improve,
What your inner voice says, that is your truth.

Boten Matok Bakirkas (בוטן מתוק בקרקס) – Sweet Peanut at the Circus
Lamut (למות) – To Die

Tell me, is it normal to not be normal?

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I went to the Women’s March in Portland yesterday. I walked about one mile in an immense amazing crowd of women that even had a couple of Trump supporters in the midst of it, believe it or not. I realized, in that march, that the last time I had been so moved and elated by posters was when I ran a marathon a few years back. I thought about how that time, I ran 26.2 miles to prove something to myself. And here I was walking one mile to show something to the world.

Happy musings, dear readers!

Sometimes the Answer We Don’t Want is Right in Front of Us.

First of all, I realized in writing this title that I have no idea what any of the standards for capitalizing titles are. If anyone wants to hit me up with that information, that would be great.

Secondly, I want to talk about solutions we would rather not take.

This happened to me recently as I was trying to figure out how to move from one apartment to the next. Between misunderstandings, forgetfulness, poorly planned trips, and an all together different set up, I found myself stressing out pointlessly over how I was going to move my possessions.

My parents, thankfully, offered to help. As did some friends in the area. But I just couldn’t figure it out. I had to be out of my current apartment on February 1st. My next lease didn’t start until February 1st, and though I’d be able to store some stuff there beforehand, the lovely winter in Portland was playing mean tricks on us all.

I felt stuck. And when my soon to be previous roommate said she was looking at moving companies, I knew that was the answer. But there was something deep inside me that felt that it was wrong to hire a moving company.

I guess not wrong. But I had a deep held belief that if I had to hire a moving company to help me move, there was something flawed in me. To me, having to hire a moving company was a clear indication that I have no friends. To me, having a to hire a moving company meant I was a sad, lonely person. Ugh, I really hate my brain sometimes (though I totally understand where it’s coming from, yadda yadda yadda).

For days this move had me in an anxious tizzy. It was literally making me nauseous. I talked to my sister about the stress of planning everything. About a need to control everything because I knew I screwed up in scheduling a trip on the last weekend of the month that I had to move (that probably was not my most intelligent decision). I talked to my friends about how the need to hire a moving company made me feel inadequate and like a loser.

And still, I knew that that was the solution. I just didn’t want to admit it because of issues I was not really willing to face.

Well, today I scheduled that moving company. Do I still kind of feel like a loser? Yes. This shall be addressed in therapy. But I also feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Now I don’t need to control my move. I can just let go, be thankful that I have the means to pay for movers, and try to enjoy this move (a time that can be stressful anyway) as much as I possibly can.