Sometimes I am just filled with rage.
Strangely enough, it’s rarely one thing that triggers me. Usually it’s after something happens, when I try to get my feelings out, and they are made to feel invalid, irrational, crazy. I guess feelings can’t feel (feelception), so I feel invalid, irrational, and crazy.
The really frustrating thing is, I won’t be outraged at the person who invalidated my feelings (because at the end of the day, very few of us naturally treat such situations with empathy), I’ll be outraged at myself for having those feelings.
Today I dealt with insecure me again. She comes out at least once a week. Today it was related to texting and friendships. It literally got to a point that I was looking up articles on texting etiquette online. I gotta stop turning to the internet for such things. I don’t even want to share some of the “rules” people have come up with for texting. A lot of them are about how not to make yourself look desperate.
Well fuck, insecure me comes out, and I am desperate. And since I try to live a life that is true and sincere to me, telling me how to text so that I don’t come off as desperate (because ew, that’s so unattractive, how dare you do something that is unattractive?!) seems actually laughably ridiculous to me.
So anyway, I realized when friends don’t text me back within let’s say an arbitrary 12 hours of my texting them (unless I text them at a totally unreasonable time) I go fucking berserk. I start to believe I did something wrong. I start to reread my texts to make sure I didn’t somehow insult them. I try to think back to our last conversation to think about anything I might have said that would have potentially led to their clearly hating me.
Yes, rational me understands – they’re busy, they read the text and forgot (because let’s be real it wasn’t anything urgent), maybe the wifi gods felt it undeemable to send the text, maybe they’re not as glued to their phones as I am (though I’m proud to say this has gone down for me drastically) – but rational me isn’t the one that goes berserk in such cases.
It’s insecure, unloveable me that gets the reaffirming message loud and clear – I am not texting you back because you are in fact unloveable (unlikeable, whatevs, I love most of my good friends so deal with it).
So because I am trying to be more assertive, and because I’m trying to create boundaries (I think this is a boundary situation, I’m just not sure), I let my friend know how this behavior made me feel. And it was fine. And they apologized. And we all lived happily ever after.
BUT NO. Because then when I shared this story with another friend they tried to rationally argue with irrational me. And I was already on edge about asserting myself (which I assume is extremely aggressive) and setting a fucking boundary, so then it all just spiraled and spiraled and spiraled from there.
To the point that when I drove home today, I was actually telling the insecure, socially anxious, unloveable part of me that I hate her. That I hate that she is so easily swayed by someone else’s actions. That I hate how she makes me feel needy and desperate and makes me seem needy and desperate. I said “I hate you, why do you give a fuck how they behave.”
And saying that outloud made me cry. I thought back to what I wrote about unloveable me. I thought back to my therapist and how she tells me to treat that part of me with kindness and understanding instead of hate and anger. I need to give that part of me the same empathy I’d like to get from others. And it’s hard. It’s hard because nobody wants to feel or be needy and desperate. It’s hard becaus I want to fight that behavior in me so badly. But I’ve learned fighting and repressing doesn’t actually work. It doesn’t solve anything long term. Empathy and understanding are the way to go.
And so, as I write this, putting rage to paper. I slowly release that anger. I acknowledge it. I felt it. I let it pass through me. And now I’m replacing it with care and understanding.
Hopefully unloveable me will start to realize her fear is irrational.
Hopefully I’ll have some help with that from people who care about me.
But at the very least, I should aim to make sure she feels loved by me.
Because that’s the only thing I really have any control over.