Peter and I decided to end our romantic partnership last month.
Though I hoped that since this was a very mature, mutually agreed upon separation, I wouldn’t be as heartbroken.
I was naive.
Of course I was heartbroken.
And as I’ve learned from my past, when heartbreak comes, jealousy is somewhere close behind.
And I was horrified.
Jealousy does not bring out a pretty side of me. In the past it consumed me. It made me lose all sense of morality, kindness, friendship. I behaved shamefully and felt completely powerless to it.
I tried warning Peter. But I had also warned Peter that I get very clingy and that still did nothing to prevent it (SHOCKER).
So let’s recap (not that this has been particularly long).
- I felt heartbroken.
- I knew jealousy followed heartbreak.
- I knew my jealous behavior appalled me.
- I didn’t know how to stop any of this.
Enter therapy. Enter acknowledging my past jealous behavior.
I was actually so ashamed of being jealous (one of the worst things in the world if you ask me) that I e-mailed my therapist about it to ensure that we would talk about it in our session.
But, thankfully, I bagged me a good therapist. She told me that my jealousy was rooted in fear. Mainly fear of losing Peter in more and more ways. But within that general fear that I wouldn’t be able to find my forever relationship. Fear that I am very much unlovable.
And even though these are horrible fears to have they are so much more manageable than the jealousy.
Now that jealousy wasn’t this mysterious, extremely powerful source it suddenly lost a lot of its scariness. And thus a lot of its hold on me.
I still have a lot of work to do.
I know I will still feel jealous at times.
But now when I do, it won’t scare me as much.
I’d really like to address some of those fears outside of being jealous.
But step one to solving a problem is to acknowledge it. So yeah. That’s where I’m at.