Most people have parts of themselves that they struggle with. Or maybe they struggled with them and now they are just lovable quirks.
There is a part of me that I am ashamed of. I’ve been aware of her for a while. No, it’s not my fat-self, though I did struggle with that. And that struggle has allowed me to unearth so much more.
There is a part of me that believes I am entirely unlovable. She developed over years of feeling different, like an outsider. Over years of what felt like unrequited love. Over years of being convinced that there was only one kind of love, of relationship, that really counted.
I’m starting to face this part of me now.
Honestly, I kind of hate her. Being convinced that I am unlovable turns me into a desperate, needy woman. When you pride yourself on being strong and independent, anything that makes you needy is just awful. Just writing it makes me slightly nauseous.
I’ve been aware of her for a while. I’ve warned people about her. But being aware of her and understanding her, accepting her, loving (ironically)her as she is are two very different animals.
Now, I am not of the line of belief that says you have to love yourself before someone loves you. It’s easier to accept other people’s flaws. And as your flaws are accepted, when you are loved, flaws and all, you start to accept your flaws more easily.
But I do think you have to understand your flaws and be willing to explore them when you’re in a relationship. Ignoring them, pushing them down, pretending they’re not there is pointless. They will pop up. I can pretty much guarantee that at this point.
So this is me starting to face that part of me. That part that is convinced that I will never be loved. I understand her. I understand why she is there. I understand that she will be with me forever. I understand that, in fact, she has been loved by many. Maybe not exactly in the way she hoped.
I’m going to start to take care of this part of me. To give her the time of day. To listen to her worries. To calm her fears. And hopefully I will grow from all of this. Hopefully I will become more fully me. More truly me. And even if not, at least I will know how to face her when she pops up again in the future.
Sure, it’s not easy to love every single part of us. But we have to at least try. To at least listen. We have to stop ignoring things that make us uncomfortable. Or at least I do. What you do is entirely up to you.