Somewhere Near Bottom

I wrote everything below on Tuesday. I kept contemplating whether or not to post it and decided I really want to share it with you guys. It’s raw. It’s real. It’s unedited. And it’s exactly how I was feeling at that moment. Since then I have been focusing on eating, doing yoga, and focusing on being present in each moment. I feel much much better today than I did on Tuesday. But I think everybody has their Tuesdays.

Sometimes you just have to write. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just have a hard week. Sometimes, no matter how much you will yourself to be optimistic, you can’t help but worry. And what do you do with those times, you hang on tight, you keep trying, and eventually things will turn around.

Sometimes, you have to fake it til you make it. Sometimes you have to smile and pretend that everything’s ok. Sometimes, that’s the best thing for everyone, including you. It’s hard to know when those times are.

Sometimes, someone says something that really scares you. Sometimes, you think something that really scares you.

Then you have to change the conversation. Change the conversee. Just change something.

Sometimes evasion is the best way to cope. Sometimes, but who knows when those times are.

The truth is, one of my favorite messages from The Unbearable Lightness of Being, is that there is no way to really know if you’ve made the right decision. There is no way to go back in time to those exact same conditions and make the other decision and see where it leads you. So I guess you have two choices. I’m gonna choose to just assume I’m making the right decision every time. Or at least I’m going to try. I’m not even gonna acknowledge the other choice, just leave it right here, in silence.

This is why regrets are silly. We all like to think that if we had done one thing differently, everything else would be different. The butterfly effect. But that’s not necessarily the case. There are so many theories and stories about this (which is silly since it can’t happen). Some people believe that if you go back in history and change something, things wouldn’t change, the universe would find a way to correct itself. Some people think that the obvious would change. Some people think that EVERYTHING would be affected. I wonder why we like to contemplate this. Humans are weird.

When I was younger, I used to think my life would have been perfect if only my parents had never moved me to the United States. Perfect guys. I idealized my homeland. I idealized Israel. I bet a lot of you are scoffing. What kind of idiot idealizes a country in the midst of so much conflict. I did. I was sure moving the US was what had totally ruined my life. In Israel I had a lot of friends, I wasn’t the popular girl, but she was friends with me too. Of course, other things happened during that time, I got my period, I was the last one left at home after my sister went to college, I grew up. But still, my mind oversimplified it and said if only we had just stayed home.

Why do we do that?

Now I like to think that I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it wasn’t for every single thing that happened before. If it wasn’t for the good, the bad, the mundane, I would be somewhere else. But hindsight is 20/20 right? Looking back, sure I can say that turned out to be the right thing, but in that moment it seemed like the worst thing every. Except for those few moments, that even then, it was clear what needed to be done. How I yearn for those moment. How I yearn for that clarity.

My counselor tells me life isn’t that clear, isn’t the certain.

I know she’s right, but sometimes that makes me want to cry.

I wish just one thing were clear. I wish I didn’t question every decision I was in the process of making 100 times a day. Not every. If there was even one decision I didn’t question I would be happy. I’ve been told this is just part of my personality. Well that sucks. I’m envious of people that are sure about everything. Envious but also not. Could you imagine? Being so sure you never question anything? I couldn’t have any sort of relationship with a person like that. I would probably think someone like that was insane. Maybe that’s why Trump is so appealing to some people and so unappealing to others. Maybe it’s this assuredness that some people interpret as comforting and some see as a true sign of psychosis.

Yesterday I was so tired I almost crashed my car several times during a 35 minute drive. That hadn’t happened to me for years. A couple years back I was driving to Columbus, OH after a full day of work and I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I drifted across three lanes of highway at one point. Luckily my boyfriend at the time convinced me to wait til after rush hour to head south. Luckily and unluckily. Maybe if I’d left earlier I wouldn’t have been so tired. But maybe I would have been tired and there would have been cars in the road and something really bad would have happened. See why this is pointless?

Sometimes I still feel like a kid. And I know, I’m pretty young. But this goes back to this transition into adulthood. I feel like a kid but I’m doing adult things. I call boy my partner because we agreed that we are partners and not just boyfriend/girlfriend. But sometimes that seems so severe and feeling the severity of it makes me feel like I’m a teenager again.

Sometimes I just want to cry myself to sleep. That sounds really depressing, but it’s not. I usually sleep really really well after I cry. I suppose some kind of hormone (read drug) gets released into the blood when we cry. Sometimes I build stuff up for so long that I just need a good cry and a good sleep. I don’t know why I haven’t had a good cry lately. Just little cries. I need to watch something that will really bring the water works. But something that does so by showing human kindness, otherwise I’ll just wake up sad again, instead of hopeful.

Sometimes misunderstandings just multiply and become bigger misunderstandings. And in an effort to untangle them and reach an understanding, they grow even bigger. What do you do in those times? Do you keep trying to untangle them? What if they grow bigger. Maybe sometimes you need outside help. Like last year, this necklace I really love got tangled up with a bunch of other necklaces and I took them all to my friend’s place. We watched Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce while she spread my  necklaces out and meticulously separated them from one another. Maybe this is what couple counseling does. It’s just a profession for people that are really good at untangling misunderstandings.

I really love giving advice. I really love talking to my friends. I have a really hard time on days I want to talk to my friends but they’re not available, cause they’re busy with their lives. Most of my friends are not here. Most of my friends are spread out elsewhere. But sometimes, I wish I could just get in the car and drive over to see them.

How do adults make friends? I’ve been told to go to things that interest me to meet people with common interests. But no one really seems to talk to each other at Bikram yoga. And I hate running in running groups. I like reading, but that’s certainly not a social activity. I just want people who want to talk to me. Maybe I should be a counselor. Then I can listen to people talk all day long. I’d be ok with that.

I’m exhausted again you guys. Luckily, no 35 minute drive for me today. I still can’t believe that happened. The thing that really kills me is that I wake up feeling so refreshed every morning and that feeling just does not last. It makes me sad. I feel the good feeling every morning and then every afternoon I can’t feel it again. It makes me even tireder than I already was. I wonder what I’m doing wrong.




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