Welcome to the first weekly reflection of 2016. And my first weekly reflection without a specific topic. Are you ready? Cause this is gonna get nuts. So if you’re looking for something that makes sense, don’t read this. If, on the other hand, you’re looking to see how my brain actually goes from one topic to another, read on. I personally think it’s fascinating. I think I should be the center to a scientific study. I would get paid heftily, of course, to just blab about whatever comes into my head. Like heftily. Like, I could live off the pay heftily. But not so heftily that I could own a mansion, I don’t want to live too far outside my needs. ANYWAY.
I had a weird ass day yesterday and I really wish I had written this post then, but I didn’t. On days like that, weird, bad, bat-shit crazy days, I learned to be too honest and overly-sharing with people. In my life, it seems, when I talk about something too honestly it takes all its power away. Hi, I’m Tammy, I’m a superhero, and my super power is talking about EVERYTHING.
Well it was the first day I really needed coffee at work. When I texted the beau (feelings on this term? I think he wouldn’t like it. I think, but I’m not sure, I’ll ask), to share this incredible event of 2016 with him he told me he was proud (that I made it that long), so I decided to be proud too.
It was just one of those days where I could see the good and bad side of every. single. thing. I. did. and depending on just what my brain was thinking at my moments of action I was either really really really happy or really really sad.
One of my therapists once told me that people might try to convince me that I’m depressed or bi-polar because days, weeks, months, years like this happen to me a lot. She said I was neither. I thought about her a lot yesterday. She was the one I’d say I developed the closest relationship with. Sometimes I want to text her to update her on my life. But then I think that crosses a line. This is why I now prefer therapists that I would never actually be friends with. It’s one less thing for my worry-some brain to cling onto in times of its desperate attempts to make me a little miserable.
I was having the most unproductive day at work. That’s not true. I came in and was immediately productive for two hours. And then after that. Crickets. They weren’t even chirping very often. At first I was SO MAD AT MYSELF. Why couldn’t I focus or get anything done. And then I realized I didn’t really have anything to get done…I’m really good at creating to do lists for myself. Even when I have nothing to do…it’s not a good skill.
Today I made a new friend at work. We went for a walk. Apparently he gets bored too. He’s from the east coast. He said he thinks we’re just still in the east coast mindset. People here are much more relaxed about their work. They don’t need to be productive 100% of the time and they’re ok with it. They have times of serious stress at work (like I had right before shutdown), but those get balanced out with these more peaceful weeks. I decided I need to be ok with it too. Part of my search when finding a new job was balance.
Once I realized yesterday was shot, after telling myself that leaving work early was not actually an option as much as I may have wanted it to be, I used the time to my advantage. I read a lot. Not a book, but some blogs I hadn’t read since I was in Michigan.
These are the favorite things I happened upon yesterday.
I couldn’t even pick one article from Do the Hot Pants. I tried. But the thing is, the voice that comes through in her writing just makes me happy. I want to be her friend. I already pinned her lion tattoo (because I will be getting another tattoo soon and it will be of a lion) and she liked my pin. We’re on our way people!
This woman, holy hell. Like why did I never think of this before. I LOVE this idea. It’ll totally take me another year to implement it because I don’t know what I love enough to wear five days a week for the rest of my life. But talk about minimalism. Could you imagine if I had a work “capsule” that was just a few copies of the same thing and then a fun capsule that’s 37 pieces that I can go totally crazy with. I LOVE THIS IDEA.
Um. Yes. Preach. Amen. How many of us go online searching for motivation. Do you guys want to know how many motivational things I have on my phone? Out of the 2100 photos on my phone (I don’t wanna talk about it. Clearly my minimalism needs to apply to all walks of life), I’d estimate a third is motivational quotes. That means I have 700 motivational quotes on my phone, not including the actual quotes I have in my notes…do you want to know how often I look at these photos? Maybe ten times a year. I need to get rid of these. NEW ASSIGNMENT!
I feel like a lot of my peers mock discipline. I’m been re-watching Happy Endings (cause it’s a-MAH-zing, and if you’ve seen it, you love it, and it’s all on hulu again so go binge. If you haven’t seen it. Go. See. Binge. Love. Be happy!) and in one episode they mock Dave for basically being a zombie cause he does the same thing every day. Now that’s extreme. But I think it does speak to this kind of negative vibe that discipline gets. As a society we like to think that fit people are just born that way. I remember the day I read an article about how much some actresses work out to keep their figure because they consider it part of their jobs and my mind was blown. It was BLOWN people. My mind get blown a lot. Now it was blown not because I was totally unaware of this, I was, but I was unaware because media or something wanted us to be unaware. I distinctly remember it being a big deal that actresses were suddenly revealing how hard they worked to look the way they look. So yea. Going into 2016 with my goals in hand, I will be focusing more on my own discipline, rather than on external motivation!
Ok, I got to work, worked for two hours straight, hit the wall of doom (just so you guys know, I have some food issues, I ate my lunch before 10 out of boredom…luckily that kept me full pretty much the rest of the day), took a stroll around the internet, and then I left work. In a really good mood I might add. I got into my car. I’ve been working my way through playlists that people gave me in high school. Nostalgia is a huge factor in EVERYTHING for me. So I’m driving home, no traffic (took me 20 minutes), singing (yelling) along to “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” (I had the coolest friends. Actually some of them were pretty cool. And to be fair, this song is SUPER fun to sing along to), loving life, and then I got home. I went for a run. Took the dog to the dog park. And then, who knows? I just got PISSED. Out of nowhere. For no particular reason. I mean there were a lot of little things. It was colder than I wanted. Basically, it’s like that high when I left work just like ate all my happiness and left me only filled with negative emotions.
When I talked to the boy before I went to sleep (I called him. I just need to start calling people that aren’t as anal about me when it comes to responding to texts) he was all like “you were so happy before, what happened” and I was like “idk, my brain!”. I didn’t say that. I don’t remember what I said. But I was as perplexed as anyone. Probably moreso. I’m just a very emotional person. And those emotions run high in any direction at any time with absolutely (usually) zero explanation.
So yeah. That was yesterday (Thursday for those of you keeping track). What about the rest of the week? Well I did something towards pretty much everyone of my goals. I ran every day and created a capsule wardrobe. I didn’t spend any time working on the family history. And with my parents now out of town, that’ll be a little hard. I’ll probably spend some time revising the stuff I already have. I should reread it before I start again anyways.
Au revoir, betches! (sorry if this is too much, this is the mood I’m in today. So deal)